Cupcakes

Chocolate cupcake with White Chocolate Raspberry Butter cream. Just something I whipped up.

Day One

I can't tell you how many times I've attempted to start a blog. I've blogged about marriage. I've blogged about cupcakes. I've blogged about dogs. All in all it ends with only one or two entries and then dies. This time is a little different, because I feel I'm blogging with a purpose. I've purchased the book, "Get a Grip, your Two Week Mental Makeover," by Belisa Vranich. It includes a lot of writing, so instead of doing it on microsoft word, I'll do it here. Let the healing begin.

It asks that you take at least 45 minutes per day writing about what she asks of you in that particular chapter. She also asks that you complete it without any other distractions, ie. Sex and the City playing in the background. So here's what's going through my head tonight:

1.) I may just be the most uninteresting person on the face of the earth. With nothing clever to write.

2.) I wish I had some talent.

3.) All the animals are sprawled out on the bed around me and they've never looked so damn cute.

4.) Why can't I stop thinking about babies?

I will address the first if I may, there's a part of me that wishes, on some level, that I had enough imagination to write something comical, funny and friendly, and that somehow someone somewhere would like to read it. I think it stems from talking aloud to myself so much that when I finally get a pen and some paper in front of me my mind goes blank. Perhaps if I did this more and more I would get the hang of it and words will eventually roll of my tongue with elegance.

I know that somewhere inside of me there is some talent. And no, I'm not just talking about my ability to pack away 5 cupcakes in one sitting. I used to paint. And I used to love art. I was in every art class in high school and I truly loved it. I could paint, sketch, create, sculpt, and I loved it. Since I've been married I haven't done a single creative thing. I thought about taking a drawing class at my local community centre, but I'm always too chicken to follow through. I get nervous with things like that. Something about meeting new people, and having to interact with them. Find common ground. Stresses me out. I also haven't had much time to myself. My husband isn't working right now so I never have time alone at the house. I work full time, we don't have any children, so my excuses for not doing the things I love are dwindling. It's not like I can get drunk and paint in the spare bedroom with him listening outside the door. That just kills my creative juices. I need to get back to doing things just for me. What do I enjoy?

We have two cats and a dog in our 1200 square foot apartment and it's lovely. They're like our children, especially my little Hank. He is my greatest love. Mini daschund, beige perfection. Speaking of the little devil, he just farted as I typed out how great he was. Isn't he great?

Babies. Babies babies babies. Since my husband and I decided to come off birth control - it's been 10 months! - I've been thinking about being pregnant every minute of every day. The more I think about it, the more I'm shocked that we haven't conceived yet. For the last 4 months we've been REALLY trying. Well timed sex, often, and still nothing. I've known my O dates, peed on my fair share of OPK's, had sex every other day for 18 days and still NOTHING. It's just so discouraging to see all these other couples get pregnant right away and we're still struggling. Every month I tell myself I won't get worked up, and if it turns out its negative, it's NO BIG DEAL. Everything will happen when it's supposed to, blah blah blah, I still get upset and disappointed, every time. I don't know how to "relax" and "just let it happen". How do you relax when it's all you can think about?

Anywho, so that' s what I'm thinking about right now, "venting" as the book calls it. You'll notice over the next few days there will be a lot of this "venting". Don't be alarmed. The blog WILL evolve. Hopefully into something better.